Cooking with Akane
by SkyStrider
Summary: Akane Tendo gets her own cooking show! Just what the heck is going on? (Humor with a tiny bit of romance at the very end.)
1. Show Time!

I wrote this to break a "writer's block." Just a little tale from the "Bindings" continuum that occurs after Tofu and Kasumi are married. It's set about a year after the manga ends and a lot has happened (you'll have to read the other stories to find out). For one thing, Akane and Ranma are properly (and happily) engaged. Anything else the reader needs to know can be picked up from the story…

* * *

Chapter 1: Show Time!

In the Tendo family room, Soun, Nodaka, Kasumi, and Tofu wordlessly turned on the television and sat down in front of it. It was just shy of 7PM. They watched one public service announcement and then the program started:

[The camera view is masked by smoke and/or fog so nothing is visible except the front of a stage.]

ANNOUNCER: "Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the Nerima Access Television Channel: NATC! Tonight we are please to broadcast a very special presentation. Throughout our fair Ward, we have many talented and noted individuals. However, none have generated such an impression on her vict -"

YOUNG WOMAN OFF-STAGE: "Watch it!"

ANNOUNCER: "umm… I mean 'guests' as the host of our show tonight."

[The silhouette of a woman appears obscured by the smoke. She begins walking forward]

ANNOUNCER: "Let's give a warm Nerima welcome to Miss Akane Tendo!"

[Loud clapping fills the soundstage. Akane Tendo steps out of the smoke holding a microphone. She is wearing a pretty dress with a long skirt and has makeup applied professionally to her face. Over her dress, she is wearing a professional apron. As soon as she is clearly visible to the audience, the camera pans over the audience. They stand up as they are applauding and beginning cheering. There are some adults here and there, but most of the audience seems to be high school students. The 'sound-stage' is actually the high school auditorium. Akane blushes and bows in response to their cheering.]

AKANE: "Thank you!"

[She stands up straight.]

AKANE: "Thank you very much! You're too kind!"

[The audience cheers for a few more moments and finally takes their seats again.]

AKANE: "Thank you very much for coming out on this Valentine's Day! I hope everyone had a lovely day! Welcome to 'Cooking with Akane'."

[The audience laughs and cheers again. The technician drops the gain of the audience microphones so Akane can continue without interruption.]

AKANE: "Before we begin, could I have a little help up here? One of the ovens is broken for some reason."

[She waves her hand through the smoke and the audience laughs. Two burly men step up on the stage and Akane motions for them to follow her. She then points to just off-stage.]

AKANE: "Yes, just over here. Thank you."

[The men walk off stage in the direction she pointed. A breeze starts from somewhere and starts to clear the smoke away.]

AKANE: "There! Now that that's taken care of, let me introduce my assistants for the night: Sayuri Ikeda and Yuka Wada!"

[Sayuri and Yuka walk out on stage. The audience can be heard laughing and clapping despite the sound level changes. Both young women are wearing American football helmets and have thick pillows tied about their torsos. Akane throws them a dirty look.]

AKANE: "C'mon you two, take those off."

[Both women shake their heads.]

AKANE: "Please? You look ridiculous."

YUKA: "No."

SAYURI: "Yeah, not so much."

AKANE: "Look, it's just for 60 minutes. What could possibly happen?"

[Behind the three women, the two burly guys reappear carrying a stretcher. On the stretcher is the smoking wreckage of a caved-in oven. Following them is a Shinto priest in funeral garb. He carries a bell hanging from a long staff and the bell is ringing mournfully. The procession walks along the back of the stage. Yuka and Sayuri nod toward the stretcher. Akane gives a big sigh and slumps her shoulders a little.]

AKANE: "Fine. Be that way."

[Akane straightens up and displays a bright face.]

AKANE: "So, during the show, I'm going to walk through how to prepare a Valentine's meal for your fiancé, and mine is going to eat it."

RANMA OFF-STAGE: "No, he's not!"

[Akane grits her teeth]

AKANE: "Yes, he is."

RANMA OFF-STAGE: "In your dreams, Tomboy!"

[Akane stomps over to the left side of the stage and reaches behind a counter. She lifts a huge mallet from there and stomps backstage.]

AKANE: "YES, HE IS!"

[Sirens begin sounding and flashing lights appear here and there on the stage. There are explosions sounding from off-stage and small smoke clouds puff from the sides of the stage. Yuka and Sayuri are alternately checking their watches, tapping a foot, and crossing/uncrossing arms. The audience can be heard laughing again. The sirens and lights stop and a moment of silence occurs.]

AKANE: "Ladies? Can you help me for a moment?"

YUKA AND SAYURI: "Yes, Akane."

[Yuka and Sayuri walk off-stage and quickly return rolling in a hand truck. The audience cheers and applauds again. Tied upright on the hand truck is Ranma Ono, bound in a straitjacket. He is unbruised and unrepentant. He glares at the audience.]

RANMA: "Fat lot of help any of you were!"

[There's more laughter and Akane walks back out with the mallet. She pitches it across the stage so it slides off-stage on the opposite side. She turns to glare at Ranma, but starts to break character and laugh. She quickly dodges in and kisses him on the cheek and works to get the glare back. The audience whoops and cheers at the smug expression that flashes across Ranma's face. He brings his own glare back.]

RANMA: "That's right - just leave the condemned to his fate!"

* * *

Earlier that week….

Hotaka Kawano ran into his son's school late. Today had not been going well for him. Two producers were crying poverty; his receptionist had announced she was resigning, and his network was breathing down his neck about losing the host for the television special he was suppose to be overseeing. "It's not my fault the Pie Lady was approached by Nippon TV," he thought. "Honestly, I'm not sure why they're so interested in a local celebrity. She's a nice person and can cajole a laugh out of the audience, but she's not going to be able to hold her own on the national stage outside of Nerima. But now I need someone else to do the show."

He bounded into the building and ran to the main office. As he screeched to a halt outside the open door, one of the women inside looked up from her desk computer. "Oh, Mr. Kawano! I guess you didn't get our message."

Kawano groaned and then said: "My receptionist quit today and things are a little harried at the station."

"I'm sorry," the woman - Ms. Kondo according to her nameplate - said sincerely enough. "I imagine running a television station is tough even when things do go right."

Kawano just nodded and asked: "What happened to Mr. Chikafuji? He said he wanted to talk to me about Atsushi's test scores. Is there a problem?"

Ms. Kondo held up a finger and tapped at her computer for a few moments. Then she gave a little smile and said: "No, there isn't. But you really need to speak to Mr. Chikafuji, and he's busy watching students up on the third floor. Something came up."

"Like what?" Kawano asked.

"There's some extracurricular activities going on today," Kondo answered.

"Well, it's tough for me to come back. Could I just go see him there?" he asked. Ms. Kondo stopped moving for a moment.

"I think it's all right…" a female voice shouted out from out of sight through an office door.

"Are you sure?" Kondo asked the voice.

"There's been no sign of mayhem. The walls are still standing," the voice remarked. "And the fire alarm hasn't sounded once."

"What's going on?" Kawano cut in.

"The Home Ec. kitchens are having an open session today," Kondo explained. "There's a whole bunch of teenage girls making chocolates for Valentine's Day."

Kawano laughed. "Is that all? Somehow, I don't think that's a problem. None of them will notice me - I'm just another busybody adult they won't want to acknowledge."

"Well…let me page Mr. Chikafuji," she said while picking up the phone. "Why don't you have a seat for a minute."

Kawano walked over to the waiting area and sat down. The area was by the main door and he could hear the young people walking the hallways:

"Man, did you see all the sugar in the hallway," one boy said to another.

"Yeah, and someone tried to melt chocolate using a microwave and a metal bowl!" was the reply.

"Then there's classroom E - nobody will go near it!"

"Everyone's afraid they'll be asked to taste it!" a third boy exclaimed. There was laughter at that remark.

"Hey, I heard she got better…" someone else replied.

"I don't care! I would hate to be in Ranma's shoes on Friday," the first voice said sharply.

"I don't know," a sly voice added. "He's pretty fast. Stuff the candy in his cheek, get rid of it when she's not looking, and then he has her total attention - it might be worth it." There was more laughter as the boys walked out of listening range.

Kawano smiled briefly at the conversation. He was pretty sure the lads had been talking about Ranma Ono. Most people in Nerima knew Ranma - he was one of those larger-than-life people who always seemed to be on a stage. "Which means the girl is Akane Tendo, another popular person," he mused. "Given that they are properly engaged now, I'd say he already has all her attention. I wonder why she's making chocolates then. I'd think they'd be beyond that stage somehow. Maybe she's cooking something else…"

"Excuse me, Mr. Kawano?" Ms. Kondo cut into his thoughts. "Mr. Chikafuji said he'll meet you in Hallway 3W." When he turned to nod at her, she added: "He suggested I loan you an American football helmet." She somehow produced said helmet from her desk.

Kawano laughed. "I think I'll be all right without it."

"I wouldn't be too sure..." she warned while waving the helmet.

"I'll take my chances," he replied.

"On your head be it…" she answered. Then she had him sign in and gave him directions to 3W.

He left the office and followed directions to the proper stairwell. About halfway up, the sound of a small explosion echoed down the staircase. A cloud of white powder drifted down to Kawano. "That's flour," he thought as the powder enveloped him.

Three teenage boys dressed in white lab coats ran down the stairs toward him laughing. They were being chased by four girls yelling at the top of their lungs:

 **"Stay out of our kitchen, you losers!"**

 **"That's the closest you lot will get to chocolate on Friday!"**

 **"You're a bunch of jackasses."**

 **"Do that again and we'll get *her* after you and have her feed you!"**

The two groups ran by Kawano. "Looks like the Chemistry Club attacked the kitchens," he thought. "I'm guessing the boys rigged a flour bomb. Ah, young love."

He walked onto the third floor and saw Mr. Chikafuji standing in a small disaster area that was once a hallway. He looked surprisingly chipper for a man covered in flour. "Good afternoon, Mr. Chikafuji," Kawano called out.

Chikafuji studied him with mild exasperation. "You didn't bring the football helmet."

"I like to live dangerously," Kawano smirked at him.

Chikafuji barked out a laugh and grinned. "Actually, I wanted the helmet for me," he said. The teacher straightened up and bowed to Kawano who returned the greeting.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" Kawano asked.

Chikafuji started to speak, but there was a loud pop from an open door and a rushing sound filled the hallway. A teenage girl's voice cried out: "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

Both men ran into the kitchen classroom to see three young women struggling to find the shut-off valve for the sink which had somehow blown its tap off - water was shooting out the uncapped stem. Chikafuji dove into the cabinet below the sink and found the valve. The teacher emerged and waved the girls back to their mixing bowls. He began to re-attach the tap as he said: "I got the aptitude scores back just before the weekend, and Atsushi's scores were very good. Good enough that I think he should be moved into the Honors class. That's what I wanted to talk to you about…." The teacher and parent then proceeded from there and had a conversation about Atsushi's future as Kawano help Chikafuji repair the sink.

The students in the classroom ignore the adults as Kawano had predicted. Since he was focused on Mr. Chikafuji, he only heard snatches of conversation here and there. Chikafuji seemed to hear everything though:

"It says we need to soften the butter. I'll do it in the microwave," someone said. Chikafuji stopped his work to snatch the metal bowl from a girl's hand and shoved a ceramic bowl at her.

"Put it in for 5 minutes," another said. Chikafuji counted to twenty and then hit the stop button on the microwave. He wordlessly popped the door latch and thumbed his finger at the microwave door. One girl got the hint and pulled out the bowl.

"Let's add more cocoa powder," the third said. Chikafuji turned and slammed his fist on the recipe book. The three girls looked embarrassed and re-read the directions.

"Done this a time or two before?" Kawano grinned at him.

"Two years ago, the Home Economics teacher nearly quit near Valentine's Day. Ever since then, he's refused to run open sessions in February. The students protested, so it was decided that all the teachers would take turns covering for him," Chikafuji said.

"Is it always like this?" Kawano asked.

The teacher came up from opening the shut-off valve and stood up. He gestured to Kawano and led the parent out the classroom door again. He said in a quiet voice: "Usually. We tend lose at least one microwave in February and several cooking tools. Many of the kids these days don't really know how to cook. They're at school, clubs, or sports most of the time and spend very little time in the kitchen. Unless they take Home Economics with us, they usually don't figure things out until they are on their own. Most of the girls here today have never really cooked before other than to boil water - they're not HEC students. Now they are trying to make chocolate - not an easy task. Most won't succeed."

"So what do they do then?" Kawano asked.

Chikafuji smiled and beckoned him over to a briefcase standing in the hallway. The teacher lifted and opened the case, displaying stacks of chocolate bars. "This is good stuff," he said. "Simply melt according to the directions on the back and pour it into molds or dip fruit in it. All done." Kawano began laughing quietly. "We buy it wholesale and sell it for 300 yen a bar, then use the profits to repair the kitchens. Most of the Seniors just talk to us first."

"Clever," Kawano admitted with a smile.

Down the hallway, a female teacher was heard yelling: "For the third time, you do not soften eggs! You break them open! And you NEVER heat eggs in a microwave."

"Well, that's not quite true," Kawano whispered to Chikafuji.

"Listen, if these girls don't understand that you break eggs, explaining that you have to break the yokes too isn't going to work either," Chikafuji said firmly. "Most of them will not try cooking until next Valentine's Day - provided there's a guy their trying to get his attention."

"I'm beginning to see why the Home Ec. teacher nearly quit," Kawano commented.

"Oh, this is nothing. That was really spectacular - we lost an oven range, two sinks, three microwaves, and several pots that were completely melted," the teacher laughed. "And that happened in a single day!"

"Man, must have been a really bad class," Kawano said with some amazement.

"Oh, no," Chikafuji replied. "That was from one student!"

"Who was that?"

Chikafuji grinned. "At the time, the worst cook on the planet - Akane Tendo."

"At the time?"

"She's improved a lot since then. She's learned patience, and she usually keeps someone with her to make sure she stays on track," Chikafuji said still grinning.

"And she's in Classroom E right now," Kawano finished.

"You heard some of the students?" Chikafuji asked.

"That and I see the barricades outside that classroom over there," the parent added with raised eyebrows.

Chikafuji's grin became vicious. "We do that to remind her we haven't forgotten. It forces her to slow down." He gestured at Kawano. "Let's go see how she's doing…" The two walked quietly toward the barricades.

"I think it needs more sugar," one young woman said.

"Akane…" another started. Kawano swore he could hear eyes rolling. "Just follow the recipe."

"But chocolate is suppose to be sweet," Akane protested.

"Here, try this," a third voice suggested.

"Ugh! That's horrible!" Akane cried.

"See," the third girl said firmly. "It doesn't work. At least you can recognize good chocolate."

"She should be able to - it's practically the only dessert she'll eat," the second voice teased.

"Maybe I should make a firmer chocolate…this stuff comes out more like fudge," Akane said.

"NO!" both compatriots shouted. The teacher and the parent suppressed their laughter as they eavesdropped.

"We are not experimenting with a double-boiler," the third girl said. Chikafuji held his head in his hands as if in pain. Kawano grinned at him.

"And Ranma likes fudge more than he likes straight chocolate - you know that. This recipe is perfect," the second girl said.

"But…"

"Akane! Follow the recipe to the letter!" the two voices cut her off.

"Okay…" Akane said resignedly.

After a few moments, the second voice asked in a serious tone: "Akane, why are you doing this? You're engaged. He bought you a lovely ring. You don't have to give him chocolates to show you're interested. You've moved way past this point."

Akane sighed. "I've never made any boy chocolates," she said simply. "I want to give him some before we are married."

"You gave him chocolate the first Valentine's Day he was here. And he gave you a small white chocolate back on White Day."

"I bought that small piece because I found out he did care about my opinion," Akane replied. "And that he was hurt when he thought I didn't care about him."

"But you did care. You tried to make chocolates for him that year. It just didn't work out and you got frustrated with the whole thing and dropped it," the third voice said.

"He doesn't know that - I shouldn't have given up," Akane stated. "Now, this is the last Valentine's Day I can try again. Even if I don't succeed, I can show him that I tried, even if he can't eat it."

"I don't think it will really matter to him."

Kawano heard someone stirring a pot. "You're wrong, Sayuri," Akane said in a quiet voice. "Ranma grew up without love - Genma took it from him. Ranma's better now, but that's why he tried so hard to be the center of attention - even if he pretended not to care. I want to give him one more good memory to set against the nightmare Genma gave him."

Kawano looked at Chikafuji's face who only nodded grimly. "That's a very deep young woman," Kawano noted quietly. Chikafuji just nodded again and then motioned for Kawano to follow him away from the door. Kawano peeked in quickly and saw the backs of three young women as they faced the classroom counter. He had to slam his hands over his mouth though to choke off the laughter and run from the door. On the table behind the girls were two more American football helmets and lots of pillows. Obviously Akane's friends had been teasing her by showing up in "armor".

Once he was safely away, Kawano asked: "Was she really that bad?"

"Worse," Chikafuji said. "Once upon a time, she could make a kitchen explode just by looking at it. These days, she does all right. It's only when she tries to get creative does she get in trouble, but it just means a bad dish, not a wrecked kitchen."

Suddenly, there was the sound of breaking glass, and then a strong "bang". A microwave came flying out of Akane's classroom. "Are you sure about that?" Kawano asked as he ducked reflexively. But Chikafuji was already running toward the classroom.

Kawano ran after him. When he entered the classroom, the air inside was full of smoke and one of the windows was broken. The three young women were standing away from the window, about where Kawano had seen them last.

"What happened?" Chikafuji demanded.

"I don't know," the blue-black haired girl answered. Kawano recognized her as Akane Tendo.

"We weren't near that microwave," one of her friends replied. "We've been using this one." She tapped an oven near her.

Kawano was about to back the girls up (given that he had looked in on them 60 seconds ago), but Chikafuji seemed to take them at their word. Instead the teacher ran over toward the window, "Looks like the Rocketry…" he started.

Suddenly, Akane was beside him yelling "Down!" The girl pulled the teacher out of the way as another rocket smash through a window and embedded itself in the ceiling. Akane looked at the rocket just as the motor died. Then she growled, grabbed something from a nearby backpack and leaped out the shattered window.

Normally, any adult would have expressed dismay at seeing anyone jump out a third story window, but this was Nerima. Chikafuji just stood up and looked out. Kawano ran up beside him and so did the two young ladies. Akane was lying on the back lawn face down. "Is she hurt?" Kawano asked.

Chikafuji shook his head and the girl with the lighter brown hair said: "No, she's playing possum. I've seen her do this before. Watch."

Seven boys from the rocketry club ran over to the downed girl with various cries of "Oh crap!", "Hell", "I told you we shouldn't do this!", and "It was just a joke!" Two boys flipped Akane over. "Hey, that's Akane…" one of them started.

Before the hapless lads could do anything else, Akane was on her feet with a squeeze bottle held tight in her fist. She shot something from the bottle into each of their open mouths. "Three, two, one…" the girl with the darker-brown hair said.

"AAAHHHH!" all seven boys screamed, bolting away from Akane holding their hands over their mouths.

Cheering erupted from the other classrooms facing out the back. Kawano found himself laughing. Akane grinned at everyone, curtsied (not bowed) to them and walked back inside. Everyone in Classroom E walked out into the hall.

Chikafuji was suppressing a smile when Miss Tendo exited the stairwell after having climbed back to the third floor. Kawano was impressed by her bearing. She moved gracefully like a cat and was very sure of her stance. "A definite martial artist," Kawano thought. She wasn't 'over-the-top' beautiful, but she was fairly attractive and carried herself with an openness that made her seem approachable. There was also a bounce to her step that hinted at a dynamic personality. "She's going to do well as an instructor. People want to talk to her; they want to like her," he added silently. "It's easy to see why she so popular at school."

Tendo looked at the teacher while maintaining a respectful posture and asked somewhat mischievously: "How much trouble am I in?"

"Depends," Chikafuji answered. "What did you hit them with?"

She grinned, held up the bottle, and said: "Just some strong Super Chile sauce - it's a little worse than Tabasco sauce, but not by much. The police get angry if I bring anything stronger to school."

"And there is Tabasco sauce available in the cafeteria - it's not like it's a banned substance," the light-brown haired girl piped up, defending her friend.

"I suppose we can let it slide," the teacher admitted. He made a shoo'ing motion and added: "Back to your chocolate." The three young women bowed respectably and returned to the classroom. Chikafuji noticed Kawano gazing thoughtfully after the three women. "What's up?" he asked.

"I just lost the host for a television spot today, so I need to find a replacement. An idea just hit me." Kawano replied.

"What, Miss Tendo?" Chikafuji said surprised. "She's a lovely young woman, but I don't think she's really an actress. Maybe her friend Miss Ikeda is, but Tendo can't be anyone but herself."

"That's probably true," Kawano agreed. "But I don't need an actress." He looked at the chaos around him. "And I don't need just her…" he added almost to himself. He looked quickly at Chikafuji. "Who's in charge now that Principal Kuno is gone?" he asked.

* * *

A/N: Next up - The Show Continues.

BTW: The title of this story was mentioned as a joke in a review elsewhere. It spawned a thought trend that led to this. See? Your reviews are important, here and elsewhere. You never know where they can lead someone else, so make sure to write them (again, not just here!). See you in 7.


	2. The Show Contines

Chapter 2: The Show Continues

Soun was about to burst with pride as he sat in the family room. His daughter was wonderful on the TV show. He watched as Akane declared that she was going to make a cream sauce for her rice and vegetable dish while informing the audience that a good sauce would hide small mistakes with rice or pasta. Of course, she was ignoring the fact that she had just burned the rice dish to a crisp, so it was going to take a lot more than sauce to revive it (the oven was still smoking lightly). Ranma was pleading with her (from where he was still tied to the hand truck) to order take-out, going so far as to offer to pay for it - showing just how desperate he was.

Akane began dumping milk and corn starch into a large pot on the stove. As she continued, the audience began to laugh as they noticed that she was overdoing it with the ingredients. The laughter grew as liter after liter of milk went into the supposed eight liter pot. Then Akane went as far as to get a step ladder so she could pour a 40 kilo bag of corn starch into the pot. It was a testament to her strength and skill than none of the corn starch missed the pot.

"You know," Akane addressed the audience. "I always found cream sauce to be a little bland."

"It's suppose to be bland!" Ranma shouted from where he was tied up. "It's suppose to dull some of the sharpness of the vegetables!" Meanwhile, Yuka and Sayuri began stacking sandbags in their corner of the stage.

Akane ignore all three and went on: "So, I like to spice it up a little." She began throwing various spices into the pot - emptying whole bottles at a time. Occasionally, she pitched the bottle in as well. Yuka and Sayuri took cover behind their sandbag wall.

Suddenly there was a *poof* sound from the pot and a small mushroom cloud appeared. A burst of spooky music sounded from the PA system. Ranma muttered: "Not again…"

Akane briefly looked for the source of the music and then shrugged her shoulders. "I can never figure out where that comes from," she told the audience to their approval. She picked up a large spoon and stirred the pot (with some difficulty). As she did, some of the sauce began to flow over the side of the pot. Akane would catch it up and dump it back inside. Soun noticed that something was 'off' though. The sauce seemed remarkably thick and left no residue on the sides of the pot. Suddenly, a large amount of the sauce flowed over the side and pooled on the stove top. Akane tried to spoon it back up, but the sauce seemed to rise up from the stove top and more flowed over the side of the pot. Then the sauce engulfed the spoon and became animated. It quickly tried to tug the spoon out of Akane's hand. Akane was never one to back down though, so both sides dug in. The audience roared with laughter.

Soun's mouth dropped open as he stare at the 'cream sauce'. Then he whistled in amazement. "It is clever," Tofu responded. "The strings are almost invisible and the 'liquid' is actually small paper scales coated in dried glue. Daisuke did a really nice job on that puppet." Soun could only nod in agreement.

The puppet was losing to Akane, so it let go of the spoon sharply which caused Akane to recoil away from the stove. The cream sauce used the respite to grab a large knife and jump off the stove onto the floor. Akane saw this and ran over to where Ranma was strapped to the hand truck. She grabbed something hidden behind his neck and pulled out a katana.

"Trust Akane to know that Ranma has a big sword," Nodoka said casually.

Her words passed over Soun and then trickled into his awareness. He quickly looked over at his 'sister', but she just continued to sit in her chair demurely. However, when Soun looked at Tofu and Kasumi sitting on the couch together, he saw Tofu's eyes glittering with amusement and Kasumi shaking her head in her hands.

Meanwhile, on the screen, Akane was now fencing with the puppet. It was at a terrible disadvantaged considering the katana and that Akane was an expert. Regardless, Ranma was cheering for the cream sauce and urging it to "fight for its life - and his". Akane disarmed the cream sauce, threw down the sword, and grabbed a large mallet hiding just out of sight. With a terrific blow, she smashed the puppet flat. Then she grabbed a shovel from off-stage, scooped up the cream sauce, and put it back in the pot. As she turned to pick up the sword and the mallet, a big sign unfolded from the pot saying "Doesn't *anybody* wonder where the mallets come from?!" The audience applauded loudly.

Soun laughed out loud at the sign. Privately, he thought: "Why is anyone surprised? In a town full of martial artists, weapons are stashed everywhere - especially the blunt ones. You just got to know where to look."

* * *

Nodoka sat curled up in her chair watching the show. Supposedly, the reclining chair had been the one Genma use to always sit in, but that wasn't true. This chair looked like that one, and Soun never noticed the difference, but everyone else in the house knew something had changed. For one thing, the chair no longer smelled of smoke and wet panda. For another, all the small rips and tears that Kasumi had repaired were gone. The fabric had somehow healed itself completely. Lastly, there was more stuffing in this one - or rather the stuffing had not been through years of compression. Although the outside looked worn, Nodoka suspected the insides of the chair were brand new. Nodoka believed that the chair had been switched the same day her futon in her bedroom had been switched - the day that she filed for divorce from Genma and Genma had accidently locked himself permanently as a panda. (1) Somehow, things had been set in motion because of that. She and the others had their suspicions about who did the switch, and Nabiki and Tofu had suggested getting rid of the two items, but Nodoka felt the items marked the beginnings of her freedom from Genma. So, she kept them and made them her own.

Now, she sat in her chair and watched as her daughter-in-law showed how to prepare a salad - provided one liked bits of chopping board in their salad. "I'd say she reverted, but she was never quite this bad," Nodoka thought amusedly as she watched a plastic serving spoon get sliced and diced. Nodoka knew that Akane had prepared Wednesday's family meal with very little assistance and it had been quite good. "She was also in the kitchen working on a bedtime treat for Ranma last night and the kitchen was perfectly clean and intact this morning - Kasumi couldn't have cleaned it before I got there. Besides, these days Kasumi would have forced Akane to clean up her own messes."

She glanced at Soun sitting in his chair. He looked ready to explode with pride. "Not your doing, Brother," she reflected. She was fond of Soun, but she was also almost perpetually annoyed with him. "This is in spite of you - just like Ranma grew up in spite of Genma. Or me, but at least I'm trying now."

Nodoka glanced at the couch and the couple sitting there. Kasumi held her hands to her face in supposed horror while nestled in her husband's arms. Nodoka was sure those hands were hiding a genuine smile - not the serene one she usually wore. "You're much brighter than that, child," Nodoka thought with amusement concerning her niece - and friend. "You don't fool me, just like you don't fool your husband. You know what Akane is capable of - you've always known. You're her real mother and you've done a good job. Kimiko must be very proud of you and your sisters - as she should be. You've also help Ranma a good deal for which I'm grateful."

Nodoka watched the glee in Tofu's eyes as he looked at the screen. "Healer, mage, teacher, trickster…" she thought with further amusement. "Also spy, warrior, and let's not forget part-Kitsune. I'd thought when we met, you'd be a nephew, but that's not true. You're my wise brother - sometimes my wise-cracking younger brother when the mood takes you, despite the fact that you're older than me, Soun, and Kasumi put together. You're also a true uncle, role-model, and sparring partner for my son and daughter-in-law. Thank you." Tofu looked at Nodoka and locked eyes with her. She gazed into their depths and he winked at her. She smirked back at him, sure he had picked up her thoughts.

Nodoka thought briefly about the missing members of her family. Mousse was working tonight. The future owner of the Cat Café was allowing some of the other employees a little time off. Nabiki was at the college tonight and would be around tomorrow - she had a paper due that required a little more research. Both of them would watch the tape Nodoka was making later - it would amuse both of them. There was no telling where Mrs. Kin Ono (or "Mother" as Kin insisted Nodoka call her) was; half Kitsunes went where they willed. "Nephew, niece - and Mom," Nodoka thought.

Nodoka watched as Akane dumped the last of cuttings into the large (make that extremely large) bowl on the counter. "Now," Akane started. "Many consider the dressing the most important part of the salad - especially for a Caesar salad."

"A Caesar salad without Romaine lettuce, anchovies, olive oil, or eggs - nothing important, just the main ingredients," Nodoka thought wryly. "The only ingredients she got right were the pepper, garlic, and mustard - never mind all the stuff that shouldn't be in there including the plastic and wood."

Akane held up a bottle of dressing and said: "Now I started with a traditional dressing from the store, but added a few more ingredients to spice it up a little."

Nodoka rested her chin in her hands as she stared at the bottle. "I'm pretty sure the dressing shouldn't be black," she commented out loud.

"That's the first thing that's concerned you tonight?" Tofu asked.

Akane poured the dressing into the salad bowl. Immediately, a white mist arose from the bowl and began pouring over the sides. The mist flowed over the countertop surface and down to the floor. "Um…" Nodoka began.

"I'm pretty sure it's just a dry ice fog…" Tofu responded uncertainly. "I don't think she opened a portal to hell…"

"That looks about right," Akane said brightly on the screen.

"Yeah, not so much…" Kasumi said.

"Wait…" Nodoka thought. "Kasumi said that?"

"You have to be kidding me," Ranma said from the hand truck.

Akane looked at him a little defensively. "What did I miss?" she asked.

"A lot - like eggs for starters," he answered.

Nodoka felt a ghostly hand run up her spine. "Oh no. No, no, no…" she whispered out loud.

"Right!" Akane shouted. "I forgot the eggs! I'll just cook some in the microwave!"

"Wait a minute!" Ranma shouted back. "Hold on!"

But Akane, bounced over to the microwave which was on a stand-alone counter located in the back of the stage facing to the side. She promptly pulled a dozen eggs from the cabinet (fridge?) under the microwave and shoved the eggs, carton and all, into the microwave. She pressed 'Start' and said: "Let's work on the chicken while that is cooking." She then bolted from the microwave over to the counter again and began to quickly unwrap a package of chicken while humming loudly to block out Ranma's protests. Meanwhile, an explosion sounded from the microwave and it jumped a little. "Sayuri? Yuka? Could you come and help me with the chicken?" Akane called out.

The two young women came out still wearing their helmets and pillows. They crouched down and crossed the stage maintaining a low profile. As they passed Ranma he pleaded: "Hey girls? Could you please move me out of here? Please?" They ignored him and reached Akane. Just as they did, there was a second explosion and the door flew off the microwave to crash off-stage.

Tofu looked at Nodoka and asked: "Nodoka? Are you O.K.?"

Nodoka started smiling despite her pale look and answered: "I think I'm about to have a flashback to when I first tried to teach Akane to cook…"

"Oh my," Kasumi replied. "That was a traumatic experience."

The microwave began to rise off the table and rotate to face the audience - it seemed to be mounted on some sort of bearing. The sound of mechanical gears clanking together filled the stage. Akane, Sayuri, and Yuka turned to face the oven just as the oven was fully facing the audience.

"What is that inside the oven?" Nodoka asked.

*FHAP* *FHAP* *FHAP* *FHAP*

The microwave oven began shooting eggs at the stage and audience. There were screams and laughter from the crowd while the three young women opened cabinet doors to shield themselves. Ranma was causing the hand truck to hop around on the stage trying (successfully) to have the eggs miss him.

"That's the nozzle of a pitching machine," Tofu replied helpfully, but Nodoka wasn't listening. She was too busy laughing hysterically.

"Those aren't eggs! What's it throwing?" Soun asked as he started to laugh.

Laughter was also leaking out from Kasumi. "I think they're small white bean bags," she answered as held her hands to her face.

"This is marvelous!" Tofu laughed as he watched everyone duck and dodge the machine.

As the performers donned military helmets because Hiroshi had run onto the battlefield and was throwing them to everyone (stopping only to place one on Ranma's head), Nodoka fell out of her chair and was on the floor laughing.

* * *

Tofu watched the screen with a grin as four other high school ladies joined Akane, Yuka, and Sayuri on the stage - he was waiting for this part. Supposedly, two of the new teenagers were showing the audience how to set a table for a Valentine's Dinner while Akane and her friends worked on roasting potatoes (or making mash potatoes; one of the two - Tofu couldn't quite tell). The other two women were struggling to get the still smoking salad bowl off the counter, but they couldn't move it despite the fact that Akane had set it there matter-of-factly five minutes ago. They had debated asking Ranma to help, but that would mean freeing his arms and they didn't think he would stay put after that. In the end, they asked Daisuke and Hiroshi to help them - the four of them managed to get the bowl on to the floor with a loud 'thunk', and then were working on sliding it across the floor.

The two women laying the place settings were facing the camera across the table. However, Tofu saw four young men in wigs, large eyeglasses, and lab coats (obviously Chemistry students) sneaking up behind them holding closed paper bags. They placed the bags directly behind the girls and ran to the back of the stage again. Once there, the Chemistry students made a show of placing their fingers in their ears just as the bags exploded 'surprising' all the people on stage with a shower of confetti and powder.

Daisuke looked around and spied the Chemistry students. ""Hey!" he shouted "You just got confetti all over the salad!"

Tofu was slightly surprised when Kasumi, who was reclining against him, chimed in with a laugh: "Oh good, then there's no danger in anyone eating that."

"I don't think that was ever a consideration," Nodoka said dryly having recovered from her laughing fit.

Akane looked at the Chemistry students and proclaimed in huffy tones: "Now I have to make another one."

Ranma was heard groaning off-screen.

Akane pointed at the four students. "But we don't waste food here, so you lot have to eat this one! You can pick out the confetti!" she said crossly. Six more girls in aprons appeared, three along each side, blocking escape for the now terrified lab students.

The four lads ran forward to where Ranma was tied up near the front and off to the side. "Wait," one of them cried out. "Ranma gets very upset if someone eats his food." One of them grabbed Ranma's hand truck and placed it between themselves and Akane.

"Hey," Ranma protested from the hand truck. "Leave me out of this, pal! And the food is all yours!"

The rest of the students (Akane, Yuka, Sayuri, Hiroshi, Daisuke, and the ten young women) began converging on the hapless young men. All four began backing up. The boy who had Ranma's hand truck kept it between himself and the rest of the cast. When he was almost to the side of the stage, he screamed "RUN AWAY!" and ran off stage with Ranma and the hand truck.

"Wait a minute!" Ranma shouted as he was pushed off-stage. The other three boys fled after the first and the rest of the cast chased them off stage. The stage was empty for a moment when a song began playing over the auditorium speakers. Many of the students had seen BBC programs and immediately recognized "Yakety Sax" playing. (2) They all began laughing - even before one of the front-side doors opened and the lead Chemistry student wheeled Ranma into the auditorium with the rest of his cohorts following. Immediately behind them was Akane followed by the rest of her team. The auditorium seating was divided into three sections with two main aisles and two side aisles running front-to-back. The sections were each cut in half by a perpendicular side-to-side aisle reaching across all three. The chase ran up a side, across the back and down the second main aisle. It then ran around all the sections in a random manner. Sometimes, the Chemistry boys would split up (and so would the chase), only to join up together again. At one point, Ranma shouted out while still strapped to the hand truck: "Why am I here?! Just leave me behind!" The audience loved it.

Finally, one of the lab boys opened another front-side door and held it open while everyone piled though it. When they all passed, the lab boy ran after them and the door closed. "Yakety Sax" continued playing. The audience turned their attention to the stage again, but the curtains had closed shortly after the chase had begun. Now, the curtains opened again and the audience cheered. In the center of the stage, was the salad bowl, but in has somehow grown to be a meter-and-a-half high and three meters in diameter. The colors of the bowl were correct, and it was still smoking. The bowl sat alone in a large room where the sides and the back of the room had five doors each, making fifteen doors all together.

Back in the Tendo family room, Tofu took out his phone. "What's wrong?" Kasumi asked.

"I think I have a message. Don't worry about it," he answered her as he began to dial a number.

Meanwhile, the chase resumed on stage as the lab boys ran out one door into the room. They were still pushing Ranma who was shouting "Oh come on!" They crossed the stage and ran through another door. Akane and company followed right behind them. The door chase continued using all the classic tropes as the groups fragmented. The groups popped out on the other side of the room from where they were last seen, people backed into each other, the chasers became the chasees, everyone popped out an individual door at once only to race around the bowl and vanish back in the same one - on and on. At some point in the chase, Ranma was no longer being pushed - instead he was bouncing along on the hand truck by himself with the doors opening automatically for him.

Finally, Ranma walked out of a door onto a momentarily empty stage while undoing the last of the ropes and the jacket that had been binding him. The music dropped a little in volume. "Done. Now to get out of here," he said to himself (and the audience).

Across the stage from him, Akane burst out a door. "Oh no you don't!" she yelled. "You're not leaving me trapped in this farce by myself!"

"Crap!" he yelled and turned around. He quickly ran through another door with Akane hot on his heels as the audience once again roared.

Almost immediately everyone jumped out of their doors. Akane pointed at the four lab boys all in a group. She started to speak when, suddenly, the huge salad bowl in the center of the room uttered a loud "FOOM" and shot an enormous column of dust up towards the stage ceiling. The column expanded blanketing the stage (and everyone on it) in a cloud. Nothing could be seen through the dust for a few moments, but the cloud quickly settled as the cast began coughing lightly. All of them looked terribly confused. The audience was completely silent due to shock. The music had stopped.

In the Tendo residence, Tofu put his phone away. "Nothing important," he said. None of the other three adults were looking at him - they were all staring at the TV.

"I don't think that was suppose to happen," Nodoka said slowly. Soun shook his head in agreement.

"Oh my…" was all Kasumi said.

On the screen, the cast was dusted with powder and the same powder was everywhere on stage. Ranma and Akane walked slowly to the giant bowl. They looked inside of it, but the view was hidden from the TV. Both sets of eyes widened in disbelief. Daisuke and Hiroshi walked over and looked as well. Ranma looked at Daisuke and raised a questioning finger, but Daisuke just shook his head. The rest of the cast also walked over to the bowl. The audience was silent. A middle-age man ran onto the stage. "Is everyone O.K.?" he asked in a strained voice. The cast nodded. "What happened?" he pressed.

Ranma looked at Akane and both started to smile. She turned to the audience and said: "Folks, this is Mr. Kawano. He's the producer of tonight's show." She then addressed Mr. Kawano. "We're fine - and we got this."

"Are you sure?" Kawano asked.

Daisuke had raised one hand to the side of his face and was shaking his head while still looking into the bowl. "Yeah, we are. I know what this is," he answered. "It's not meant to hurt anyone and it didn't." The murmuring from the audience indicated that they were now clearly puzzled. Ranma spoke quietly to Akane and Daisuke and then motioned for everyone to back away from the bowl. Mr. Kawano stepped to the side and was just visible as he watched his cast.

Ranma stepped forward and began to speak to the audience: "This part of the sketch was suppose to end with the salad grabbing the lab guys and pulling them into the bowl out of sight." He walked around to the back of the bowl and began flipping latches.

Akane added: "Apparently, someone didn't like how the sketch ended and changed it." She walked around to the side of the bowl and nodded at Ranma. He re-positioned himself and, together, they pulled the bowl apart, splitting it cleanly along the seams. As they separated the halves, the audience could see more puppets lying quietly and some type of machine that had a large upright pipe, about half-a-meter in diameter.

Daisuke spoke: "What you see is a type of air cannon designed to do exactly what you saw: generate a small expanding cloud. It's often used to fake an explosion when actors have to be too close to the 'blast'. The movie studio then adds the sound effects later to make it seem like a loud explosion happened." The murmurs from the audience began to turn to chuckles as they realized everything really was all right. The cast members began to chuckle as well and brush dust off themselves. Mr. Kawano began to shake his head.

Akane brushed dust off her apron and walked forward to the edge of the stage. She gestured grandly toward the air cannon and said in robust tones: "Ladies and gentlemen: We have been pranked!" The cast's chuckles changed to loud laughter. Some of them gestured at the cannon while others began to clap. In response to the cast members' aplomb, the audience began clapping and laughing. Then they gave the cast a standing ovation.

In the Tendo family room, Soun clapped lightly. "Nothing like grace under pressure," he commented to the others.

Nodoka nodded and Kasumi added: "Oh my, they really handled it well, didn't they."

Tofu said nothing as he watched his apprentices lead the cast through the minimal work necessary to keep the show going. Following some cues from Ranma and Akane, the cast was bantering with the audience and telling stories about the couple's misdeeds as this and that was cleaned up. Even quiet Yuka was persuaded to recount a story about Akane's and Ranma's courtship that brought smiles to the audience. Tofu nodded to himself: "Well done, you two. And I absolutely hated that ending. This is much better."

* * *

A/N: Footnotes:

1) Happened in "The Destruction of Ranma Saotome - Detonation".

2) "Yakety Sax" was jointly composed by James Q. "Spider" Rich and Homer "Boots" Randolph III in 1963. Randolph was the first to make a popular recording of the song that year. Another version was performed by Ronnie Aldrich and His Orchestra in 1969 which is more commonly known today.


	3. Chow Down!

Chapter 3: Chow Down!

Kasumi resumed her serene manner as she watched the show re-start. She had winced as the cast cleaned the stage of dust and then threw food about it again to make it look as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. "I suppose the show must go on," she mused. She turned her head slightly to look at her husband out of the corner of her eye. "You had something to do with that cannon," she thought. "You didn't react strongly enough and that fiddling with your phone was not a coincidence. You couldn't have set it up to feed on the chaos. You're too far away. This smells like a lesson. One of your gang set that up - the same one who's going to steal it back tonight." The smile became slightly mischievous. "But, I'm your wife. You can't hide from me and I will find out. Then I'll hold on to it until you've forgotten about it. One day, I'll just mention it in passing, just to remind you that you can't fool everyone."

She watched the TV as Akane tried to sweet-talk a stubborn Ranma to sit down at the table. The process involved a lot of eyelash fluttering and the use of cute pouts. Kasumi thought she heard the male half of the audience groan. "Sounds like little sister is still popular despite getting engaged," she reflected. She swore Ranma's eyes flash with jealousy - like he heard the audience as well. A smug thought flashed through her mind even though it never touched her lips: "That's right, boy. Always remember she had other options. You better take good care of her." She promptly scolded herself for the uncharacteristic sentiment, but only a little - this was her sister after all.

Once Akane had persuaded him to his seat, Sayuri was suppose to run in and tie Ranma to the chair, but Ranma caught her eye and waved her off with the glance. Sayuri looked surprised for a moment and then smiled maliciously. Akane looked equally surprised, but continued with the show. Kasumi took all this in and now knew Ranma heard the audience, even if Akane was oblivious. The eldest Tendo sister brought her hands up to hide her mouth.

Kasumi eyed the plate that Akane set in front of Ranma as the camera focused intensely on it. The textures could be called unusual at best. There was no polite word for the colors. It was a masterpiece of horror. Had Akane ever served something like that in the house, Kasumi would have called the local priest for an exorcism of the food, the house, and her little sister. The oddest thing about the plate was that Akane had not created it - Ranma had. He had experimented the last two nights with pasta, tofu, potatoes, applesauce, and lots of food coloring trying to make something that would look horrible, but taste rather bland. He had Daisuke and Hiroshi help him with ideas, but refused Akane's help. When she protested, he told her bluntly: "After everything we been through, I don't want to get up on stage and publically say that food you gave me is horrible - even if it is a lie. I don't want to even pretend that I don't care about your feelings. I looked at my lines carefully - I dodge every time. And on Monday, I'll tell everyone the truth: I made the food - without your help for just that reason." Akane had acted annoyed with him, but Kasumi knew she was also secretly pleased. Akane knew Ranma was trying to be considerate in his own way.

She watched Ranma eat the food and turn various shades of green and purple - courtesy of the stage crew's lighting. There was also music to emphasize the appropriate emotions he was supposedly feeling - such as the whistling tone followed by a 'plop' sound to represent the bottom dropping out of his stomach. Kasumi was impressed by the fireball that shot out of Ranma's mouth at one point (courtesy of Akane's Fire magic), which got a lot of laughs. Akane was well known for a few spicy dishes that were beyond what most mortals could take. For that matter, her specialty, Volcano Curry, was beyond what most immortals could take too. There was only a handful on both sides of the fence that could happily eat it. Ranma was one of them. Tofu's fellow disciple, Shiran - a full-blooded Kitsune - could as well. Their Master, Lord Jakaro, could not. Most of their fellow Kitsunes could not either. Tofu was a hurting puppy if he tried it, so much that he called Akane's Volcano Curry "Meal of a Thousand Nightmares." Volcano Curry had even brought an Earth Giant to his knees. Surprisingly enough, Daran Hawke, a normal human, could eat the dish, despite the fact he did not have a superhuman constitution. Of course, Kasumi couldn't eat it although she admitted getting within two meters of it cleared out her sinuses wonderfully (it wasn't unpleasant to smell - just rather intense). Fortunately, Akane could cook meals for the rest of the population as well.

Finally, on the TV, Ranma collapsed face down on the table into the remainder of his meal. "It's also nice to take a nap after a good meal," Akane said brightly to a lot of laughs. "Could someone help Ranma go lie down?" Hiroshi and Daisuke came out dressed as hospital interns, pushing a hospital bed. Hiroshi came over and lifted Ranma using a fireman carry, much to everyone's surprise. He placed Ranma in the bed and Daisuke made a show of hooking Ranma up to a heart monitor and an IV. The bed was pushed up to the front side of the stage and the two interns walked off-stage. Akane walked forward and the curtains closed behind her, leaving Ranma, his bed, Akane, and the various remains of food visible to the audience. Then Akane announced: "Now, as promised, I'm going to give out the recipe for my famous Volcano Curry. This dish is meant to be served over rice and…"

The color drained from Kasumi's face as she heard that. "OH MY!" she burst out losing her façade. "She can't do that! People will get hurt!"

She jumped up and ran to get the phone. Tofu shrugged his shoulders and responded: "It's a free country after all…"

Kasumi was scolding her silly husband while dialing Akane's number when an alarm sounded from the TV:

*BHANN* *BHANN* *BHANN*

The picture changed to a shot of Police Inspector Ojima sitting behind a desk holding a set of papers. "Attention: In the interest of public safety, Judge Sanu has declared that the manufacture and consumption of Volcano Curry is banned from all public and private places except the Tendo Dojo. Anyone voluntarily eating this substance is required to sign a waiver available only at the Tendo Dojo. Tricking or forcing anyone into eating this substance is punishable by up to three years in prison - for first offense."

Off-screen Ranma was heard to say: "I'm free! I'm free!"

Ojima stopped and looked to the lower left-side of the screen. Then he said: "I have your signature right here, lad." The inspector picked up a piece of paper.

Ranma's voice: "Wait a minute…that's not fair! She sweet-talked me into signing t…"

*BAM* - There was a noise that sounded suspiciously like a mallet striking someone and laughter was heard from the audience again.

Ojima continued: "Instead, Saitou's Café would like to offer the following recipe for their Sweet Chili…"

On the Tendo couch, Tofu looked up at his stunned bride and laughed: "Admit it, she got you!"

Kasumi drop the phone and ran over to dope slap her husband several times - much to Soun's and Nodoka's amusement.

* * *

Back in the high school auditorium:

[Inspector Ojima image is projected on a large screen in front of the curtains. He has just completed reciting the Sweet Chili recipe. Then he looks down smugly at Akane Tendo.]

OJIMA: "Don't think for a second that there is any way I'm letting you pass out that recipe - ever."

[Akane glares at the screen with her hands on her hips. Ranma grins at Akane from where he is sitting on the hospital bed. There's a large foam mallet next to him.]

OJIMA: "There's too many people starving on this planet without you wasting good food!"

[Akane sticks her tongue out at him, but Ojima's expression doesn't change. Instead, the large screen rolls back up out-of-sight.]

RANMA: "Sounds like the lawman made his case. What do you have to say for yourself?"

[Akane puts on a haughty expression.]

AKANE: "I do not waste food."

[Ranma indicates the stage which is covered in the remains of her cooking attempts.]

RANMA: "What do you call this mess?"

[Akane looks thoughtful as she walks over to Ranma. She reaches out and helps him up from the bed. The curtain opens and her kitchen is back again - still looking a mess. She leads Ranma over to a pile of flour on the floor. Akane bends down and picks up a handful of white powder off of the stage. She answers him in over-blown tones:]

AKANE: "I call this talcum powder."

[She reaches over a counter and plucks up a mess of green dough.]

AKANE: "This looks like kids' play-dough."

[She picks up a chicken leg off the floor.]

AKANE: "Looks like part of the plastic window display from Saitou's Café."

[Ranma crosses his arms but is still smiling as Akane continues to pick up various props from the stage while still acting haughty.]

AKANE: "And these eggs look like white bean bags…and the rice looks like bits of plastic… and the asparagus looks like a collection of painted sticks.]

[She picks up something that looks like vomit, but it is quite solid.]

AKANE: "And this is looks like one of Daisuke's disgusting jokes."

[Daisuke walks out.]

DAISUKE: "Hey! Have some respect for the classics!"

[The audience starts to laugh again.]

DAISUKE: "Besides, I made some really cool props!"

[Akane drops the 'airs' and gestures grandly at the large cooking pot on the stained stovetop. The cream sauce puppet leaps out of the pot again to the cheers of the audience. It bows extravagantly to the audience's applause and jumps back inside. Akane smiles.]

AKANE: "All right, maybe you did."

[Yuka walks out without the helmet and pillows and faces the audience.]

YUKA: "Actually, none of the 'food' tonight was real. All of it was props donated by our sponsors."

[Sayuri follows Yuka out, also in normal dress.]

SAYURI: "While it might have been cheaper to use real food and we wanted to entertain you, we also wanted to make a point about how precious food really is. It's something we often take for granted."

[Hiroshi walks up from behind everyone.]

HIROSHI: "Inspector Ojima is right - there are too many people in the world starving. Food is an important resource that many of us don't have."

RANMA: "Over 800 million people in this world go to bed hungry. Many of these people are from Latin America, Africa, and large swaths of territory in Asia."

DAISUKE: "But even within the more industrialized nations, significant segments of the population do not have enough to eat."

SAYURI: "The reasons vary across the globe. Some of it is drought, natural disaster, pandemics, war, or even complex economic transitions happening within a society."

YUKA: "Organizations like the UN's World Food Programme, The Hunger Project, and Japan International Food for the Hungry are working to combat this dreadful problem."

[The rest of the cast - another twenty students - enter the stage from the sides and stand behind the six speakers.]

AKANE: "But they need your help! Please consider making a donation to the WFP, THP, or JIFH care of Nerima Access Television Channel. Any amount you can give would help, whether it be 500, 1000, 2000, 5000 yen or more. As an added incentive, Kuno Enterprises has promised to double-match any funds collected within the next 30 minutes. Please call the number on your screen! Please give generously!"

[All move forward to the edge of the stage.]

ALL: "Please help fight world hunger!"

[The audience begins to clap and cheer. After a few minutes of this, Hotaka Kawano steps out on the stage.]

KAWANO: "Let's again hear it for our cast!"

[The audience picks up again and the cast links hands and takes a bow together.]

KAWANO: "I'd also like to thank the students and staff of Furinkan High School for helping us at NATC to kick off our weekend effort to fight world hunger. During the next forty-eight hours, there will be many events across Nerima to help raise money to fight world hunger. Please join us for those events! The next event is the dance marathon at the civic center which starts at 8:30PM. It's hosted by world-famous DJ, Alex Taka! Come and cheer on the contestants by sponsoring them! See you there!"

[One of the cast members wearing a wig, thick glasses, and a lab coat leaves the line up and runs off-stage as the audience continues to applaud. The cast member reappears pushing an okonomiyaki cart and begins speaking in a feminine tone.]

PERSON IN LAB COAT: "NATC would also like to thank our sponsors for their help especially Saitou's Café, Sakai's Sushi, Tai Chi Florist, the Cat Café, the Tendo Dojo, Okada Booksellers, Meada's Produce, the Jouda Dojo, Mori's Meats, and of course…

[The speaker throws off the lab coat, wig, and glasses and reveals herself to be Ukyo dressed in her uniform as she poses for the audience.]

UKYO: "Ucchan's!"

[The audience cheers. No one on stage reacts unusually except Akane who is obviously surprised. Ukyo gestures grandly at the back of the auditorium and the exit doors.]

UKYO: "Outside, you'll find a selection of small treats from many of our sponsors…

[Ukyo reaches into her cart and pulls out two okonomiyaki platters already hot and cut into bite sized pieces.]

UKYO: "Including me!"

VARIOUS PEOPLE ON STAGE: "All right…" "I could use a snack." "Cool…"

RANMA: "Free food? All right!"

[Akane looks slightly exasperated.]

AKANE: "Ranma, I made you okonomiyaki last night. You had me make a triple batch!"

[Ranma points at the okonomiyaki which people are already eating.]

RANMA: "But Akane, you know how much I like pineapple and ham."

[He snatches up a piece and eats it.]

AKANE: "But that's what I made last night…ah…Wait a minute…"

[Everyone on stage stops and watches as Akane comes over and looks at the half a pie still left.]

AKANE: "That's mine!"

[Folks in the audience begin chuckling and Ukyo smirks. Ranma walks behind Akane and places his arms around her waist. The cast is grinning at her and starts laughing as well.]

SAYURI: "Tendo, you were too good a sport about all this. Yuka and I were praying fervently when Mr. Kawano brought this up. We were so worried that we'd have to call an ambulance. Once upon a time, you would have gone through the roof."

YUKA: "Luckily, he never found out how fortunate he was."

[Akane starts to blush fiercely as Ranma holds her firmly. The audience is laughing and cheering again. Ranma is smirking.]

RANMA: "We couldn't leave things stand - we had to show everyone you got better."

[He kisses the top of her head from behind. Akane is glowing from the blood in her face.]

VARIOUS PEOPLE ON STAGE: "It's good." "Yep…" "Settles well too." "Thank heavens." "Oh shut up!" "It does taste good…"

[Ukyo eats a piece.]

UKYO: "Eh…it's passable."

EVERYONE (BUT AKANE): "UKYO!"

[Ukyo eats another piece.]

UKYO: "At least her family won't starve."

[Everyone groans and the audience roars with laughter. Whistling is also heard. Ukyo grins insolently at Akane. The blood fades from Akane's face and her mouth twitches upward into a smile. Ukyo comes over and places an arm around Akane as both of them turn towards the audience. Ranma also turns toward the audience on the other side of Akane while keeping an arm about her waist. The rest of the cast joins them, all linking the same way. Once the chain is complete, Akane yells out.]

AKANE: "Good night, Nerima!"

[Everyone waves and the camera scene fades to black….]

* * *

Ranma and Akane left the Civic Center at 11PM. Things were still going strong at the marathon, but the cast party officially ended half an hour ago and Akane had convinced Ranma that she wanted to walk home before she started feeling tired. NATC had bused the show's cast to the Civic Center and treated them to the party as a "Thank you". Strictly speaking, it wasn't necessary to walk as the city was providing shuttles to support the weekend activities, but it was obvious Akane wanted a little privacy and Ranma wasn't about to say 'No.'

Akane looked at Ranma's grin as they left the building. "What are you smiling at?" she asked while laughing.

"I was just thinking about the DJ," Ranma answered. "We haven't seen Alex since our first date back in April." (1)

"That's sort of true," Akane admitted. She dropped her voice and added: "I don't know how he keeps all those identities straight. One doesn't look or even act like any of the others."

"I once joked with him if he knew who the real Daran was," Ranma told her confidentially.

"What did he say?"

"He answered that Daran was a kid from the south side of Chicago - the one with a real birth certificate."

"I suppose there's something to be said for knowing who you are," she stated.

Ranma looked up at the clear sky thoughtfully. "Knowing who you are…" he murmured.

Akane looked at him. "Are you all right?" she asked.

He looked very directly at her and smiled. "Yeah…yeah, I am" he answered.

Then his eyes sparkled and he caught her up and twirled with her in his arms. "Ranma!" she cried half in surprise and half in laughter.

"That's right! I'm Ranma of Nerima, and my fiancé is Akane Tendo," he shouted.

"You're a dummy!" she laughed as he set her down. She was caught somewhere between total delight and total embarrassment.

"That's all right, so long as I'm your dummy and you're my Tomboy," he said with a wicked grin. Akane couldn't resist that grin, so she dodged in and kissed him.

When they stopped, she pulled him into motion toward home. "There's something I wanted to give you before the day ended," she started.

"Is this why you were in the school's kitchens on Monday," he asked. She nodded a little self-consciously. He thought about that for a few moments and followed the training Tofu had hammered into his skull. "O.K.," was all he said, knowing sometimes the shortest answer was the correct one.

Akane blushed and let go of him. She reached into her purse and pulled out at small heart-shaped box. "Here," was all she said.

"Thank you," he answered. Two rival instincts for self-preservation rose up in him - while she had gotten better, new recipes were often trouble. Still she had come a long way, so he chose the instinct that would at least make her happy - he'd heal. He opened the box and scanned the dozen chocolate pieces. The color was right, and so was the smell, so he relaxed and popped a piece in his mouth. "Pretty good," he said honestly. She searched his face, so he added: "Really." Now Akane relaxed. Then he smirked, "Am I allowed to offer you some?"

Akane grinned. "Damn straight," she answered and took a piece. He stole a kiss before she could place it in her mouth and they resumed their walk home.

"Hmmm…" he said after a few minutes. "So I suppose I should get you something for White Day now?"

Akane laughed. "You already gave me an engagement ring," she said.

"Yeah…which makes me want to ask - so why the chocolate?"

"I never made any boy chocolate for Valentine's Day. I wanted to do it for you before we got married," she said with a shrug.

He thought about that for a few minutes. The first time she gave him chocolate had been something she bought - mostly to soothe his ego but also because she cared about him. It was more about friendship, although he also admitted to himself on that day that she did matter to him - a lot (he had returned the gesture on White Day). Their second Valentine's Day together had been run over by the trip to China and the wedding fiasco. The next Valentine's Day would be Ryoga's and Akari's Wedding Day - there would be no time for anything but the wedding. Today was the only Valentine's Day she had to make something special, just for him. Once more, she had put her skills - and her ego - on the line to please him. He unconsciously straightened up at that thought. She glanced at him a little nervously, but he winked at her and she relaxed again. Finally, he decided that he would return the favor in one month's time, but first things first. "Thank you," he said sincerely. "It's perfect. I really appreciate this. And being here with you is perfect too." He stopped and drew her to him. "Happy Valentine's Day, Akane."

Akane looked like she was about to explode with happiness. "Happy Valentine's Day, Ranma."

That kiss went on for a long time…

* * *

A/N: Footnotes:

1) Alex the DJ/Daran Hawke first appeared in the story "The Date".

* * *

A/N: If you're listed in my profile under "Favorite Authors", chances are I stole something for this story. Consider this an acknowledgement (or an apology - your choice). Take care!


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